Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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