So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
