Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
