My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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