Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
