I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
