smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
