When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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