My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
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