I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
