News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
PANTIES FOUND
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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