I faked an abortion last night.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
