Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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