I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
