I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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