Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
