her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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