The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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