I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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