I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
