Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
