I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
