I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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