it's too hot outside to masturbate.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
me + whiskey = a bad person
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
