They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
did you just send me my own nude
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
