Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
