I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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