I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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