Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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