he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Randomize
