I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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