I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
