I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
