dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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