this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
