i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
