I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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