My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
