I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Gay?
German.
Pity.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
