we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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