As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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