I only kidnapped one of them. chill
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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