i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
