sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
