So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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