My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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