I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
