Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
