my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
