At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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