my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
