My liver just broke up with me...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So many bounce houses so little time
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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