it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
