i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
