No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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