Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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