smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I'm really busy with my period
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