WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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