After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
