I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
