Whod you bang
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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