this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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